Friday, September 24, 2004

Hot Grrls in the city

Okay, so T-Daddy wins the big pretty prize. Stop commenting!!! Pretty pretty prizes only come to those who wait.

Turns out I'm not very good at keeping promises (shock and awe from all who know me.) I promised that I would try to post more regularly, but I also promised that I would not finish off the rest of the brie cheese wheel that I served to my knitting circle last night. Yet somehow I have a belly full of cheese and haven't posted a darn thing since Monday.

As I mentioned above the third official meeting of the "Hot Grrls Sweat Shop" occured at my house last night. The name is all Jeph's fault. Whenever we hang out the four of us always talk about knitting and inevitably someone whips out their latest project. Once when we were hanging out at Jeph's apartment he surveyed girls wielding yarn and sticks on his futon and deemed that he should re-christen his apartment "hot girl sweatshop." We decided we might as well make it official with a regular weekly meeting. While we have yet to recruit any small vietnamese children to join our group, Kathie Lee Gifford is in talks to sell our goods at K-Mart.

Apart from a small incedent involving a guy walking up to the screened in porch where we were knitting and asking us to give him old clothes because he had just walked out of a house on fire. The guy then lifted up his shirt and pressed his torso up against the glass door, revealing some very gnarly but completely healed scars. He left when we told him to, but it was kinda scary because no one cares about our street enough to install street lights, making it so dark outside that none of us saw him coming until he was standing directly in front of us. Oh, the joys of city living.

Monday, September 20, 2004

i'm so pretty pretty

just a quick note to say that i got a pretty new haircut on saturday and now i'm so pretty pretty i don't know what to do with myself. if i could figure out how to post pictures, i would show you just how pretty pretty, but maybe that's a good thing cus i'm so pretty pretty that it might blow your mind.

more on my pretty pretty self later.

if you are in need of some extra-credit home work, count the number of times i used the word pretty in this post. the first person to give the correct answer wins a pretty pretty prize!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

A Partial List of Things Found In Our Car When I Cleaned it Out This Morning

1) two winter coats
2) a countless number of Pat's homework papers and tests
3) two MLA style manuals
4) a mallet
5) two emergency flourescent orange ponchos
6) The Lord of The Rings Trilogy boxed set plus The Hobbit
7) inflatable raft
8) tent stakes
9) practice catheter
10) stethoscope
11) mini tape recorder
12) flea and tick shampoo
13) two empty 24 oz bottles of Bud
14) unpaid parking ticket
15) springform pan
16) dog hair encrusted flannel blanket
17) broken glass
18) mini-propane tank
19) pen light
20) one uneaten sandwich

Friday, September 17, 2004

no work today, but i get to go back on monday, yeah!

No, for real, yeah! Today was the end of my two week "trial period," and even though nobody could go in today 'cus the power was out at our office, my boss called me to say that she expected me back in on Monday and that we would talk about my new job then. So, I still don't know how much I will be paid, but I think that I like the job alot, so I really hope everything works out. Telling pretty people what to do and being in charge of their monetary fates is kinda fun, hehehehe.

Sunny Days

Bexx is right, I'm a terrible blogger. Only two weeks ago, I didn't have anything better to do than play on the computer all day. But now, I can't really blog at work quite yet (i'm still trying to get them to like me), and when I get home I don't want to touch the computer. (other than looking for new knitting patterns of course:) Speaking of knitting, we had stitch & bitch at Bexx's house last night, yeah! I'm so excited about going to the fiber festival in October, I don't know what to do.

Okay so, it's 9:30 in the morning and I'm still at home because although armegeddon refused to happen last night and New Orleans is still a city, the power is out at my office, and now I have to sit around and wait until someone calls to tell me it's back on before I go in. It's really humorous to me how everyone here freaked out about a "hurricaine" even though Atlanta is basically a land locked place with the nearest shoreline being four hours away. Really we just had a lot of rain and that was it. Of course, i'm sure that the local news had their require fat lady with the unintelligible southern draw being interviewed at the Winn Dixie talkin' bout stockin' up on bottled water and canned soup, and how there is hardly any bread left.

I got an email from my beautiful faux bosnian cousin today. She's over in Sarajevo, or somewhere in the Balkans or something, actually I don't know exactly where she is although I'm sure she's told me, all I know is it ain't America, the home of the free, where everything is fair and balanced and everyone is granted equal voting rights in fair elections where it's not your money put your perseverence and hard work that lets you live the American dream, whatever yours happens to be, and you never have to worry about being persecuted as a result of your religion or lack thereof because we live in a land where there is a separation between church and state and everyone has freedom of speech.

Oh shit, nevermind. I'm moving to Bosnia. I love you Jen!!! Come home, it's great here!!!

Monday, September 13, 2004

If I had a cat it would hate you (and then it would probably ruin my stuff)

I don't have a cat and if you go to this site you will see why. Go see cats hating you for various reasons. Captions range from "Die evil feather thingie!" to "Yess... drink your Pabst, then drive your Camaro... into a tree," to just simply "Die."

Itemized List of Things The Spazz's Spastic Dog Has Eaten and Thusly Destroyed In The Past Six Months and Their Approximate Value

1) Designer Eye Glasses $300
2) Countless Rolls of Paper Towels ???
3) Hand-Me Down Throw Pillows $0
5) 2 Pairs Flip Flops from Target $30
6) Pat's Black Dress Shoes $40
7) Pat's White Nursing Shoes $40
8) Joy's Classic Van Slip-Ons
with the Cherry-checker-board
print that she liked a lot
and had just gotten that week $35
9) Joy's Red Dansko Mary-Janes $116
10) 1 bottle Ibuprofen $804 ($4 for the pills,
$800 for the emergency vet visit)
11) Library Book $30
12) Photographic Biography of Oscar
Wilde (that I bought in Ireland
and whichhappens to be out of
print in the U.S) $25
13) My Beloved copy of "Stitch
and Bitch" $12
14) The belt with the silver glitter
skulls on it that I bought in
Belfast when my pants were
falling down $12
15) Plastic dog food dish $3
16) Plastic water dish $3
17) Countless pairs of Pat's
white socks ???
18) Stan's Death Cab for Cutie CD $12
19) "Seven Years in Tibet" starring
Brad Pitt with a hot German
accent $9
20) Bukowski's "Love is a Dog
from Hell" (not ironic in the
least bit) $12

Thursday, September 09, 2004

All The Pretty Mercenaries

I mentioned in my last real post that I was on my way into the real live working world. Well, I just finished my third day of my two week free lance "trial period" at a modeling agency (no, I'm not a model, duh. and no, I'm not producing porno movies in the back room). The online version of The Spazz Report was originally meant to be a place where I could share the meanderings of my leisurely lifestyle as a lazy brokeass member of the partially unemployed. While working only two days a week for peanuts at a job that does not require my $120,000 college degree, without the benefits of a trust fund or even senile millionare for grandparent is almost as good as it sounds, it does get old after a while.

And thus we arrive at my current arrangement working for peanuts as a wrangler of all the pretty mercenaries. But hey, at least I have a more "socially acceptable" answer to the ever nagging question: "What did you do today?"

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Lord Help Us

My father couldn't stand my having a blog and his not for very long. Lord help us all, or justclick here.

Friday, September 03, 2004

scrambled eggs in bed

My lacto-ovo rejecting boyfriend made me scrambled eggs and iced coffee this morning and brought them to me in bed. Is this love? I think so.

Last night was the first night of our newly formed stitch-n-bitch. Our crafty hostess made creme brulee to accompany our knits and conversation. I swear, just cracking the sugar on the top and watching the creamy goodness ooze out is like a mini orgasm. I finished my first sweater a few weeks ago and now I'm working on making a series of arm warmers for instant gratification.

Afterward we went to the Electrosleep/Blame Game show at Lenny's. I still tend to get bored at shows, even thought both bands were great, but I guess it's good to get out in the real world every now and then to confirm that I am still in my early twenties and not the 65 year old woman that I feel is trapped inside of me. (she keeps trying to get out, the old hag)

There is a possibility that my retirement may be coming to an end. Tuesday I start a two week "trial period" workin' 9-5 as an assistant at a Modeling Agency here in the ATL. I figure I'll have to be on my best behavior and not accidentally burn the place down or shout obscenities into the telephone, if I want to pull my old lady ass out of poverty. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite fond of doing nothing, but society seems to deem that as unacceptable, so here I go.

Spazz's Fall List of Obsessions

The trailer for the new Wes Anderson Movie, The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, looks really good. I heart Bill Murray. Sean "watch me cry on cue, damn I'm dramatic" Penn robbed him of his Oscar.

The follow up to Debbie stoller's "Stitch and Bitch", check out the cover and maybe pre-order a copy for me here.

Learn how to make anatomical heart cookies, monkey pops and more or just watch some super cute animation at yummy fun.

You may not know of my latest and most enduring obsession,, but for my fellow knittin' kittens and friends of craftiness in general, check out the message boards as well as thier new blog. I think at this point I probably spend more time reading about crafts than actually doing them. Maybe it's because my finished projects usually blow up in my face. (glitter, glue, yarn, and paper carnage all over the place.

As I'm now thoroughly convinced of the vast Conservative Christian Republican conspiracy that will not be happy until they have succeeded in officially turning back time fifty years, November is going to be a very cold month for me indeed unless John Kerry stops piddling around and goes for that bastard Bush's balls. Yes, my newest obsession is moving to Canda.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

List of careers i've seriously considered and talked about at length with someone or other within the past six months

In no particular order:
1) librarian
2) chinese food delivery person
3) pizza delivery person
4) marijuana delivery person
5) sex toy party saleswoman
6) columnist
7) personal assistant to the stars
8) lawyer
9) sex toy store entreprenuer
10) model
11) college professor
12) hobo (the train hopping kind)

I promise I don't beat my dog, really.

Ronin, the wonder puppy has struck again, and this time the authorities might need to get involved. Since I just started blogging, I haven't yet told the story of the time I took Ronin out for his morning stroll and he happened upon what must of been a rather enticing pile of dog shit (probably his own, but whatever, we don't judge). After throwing himself on the ground and rolling around with reckless abandon he decides that it's such a fun game, mommy needs to play (yes, i just referred to myself as mommy, disgusting aren't I?). It must have been a picture perfect moment when a couple of employees on their way to work at the local free paper (whose offices are located directly across the street from our house) stepped out of their cars just in time to watch me in my pajamas fending off a shit covered dog by smacking him with one of thier very own papers.

This all brings us up to Joy beating her dog in public part deux: Just an hour or so ago, the Ro-dawg had one of his intermittent peeing fits in the living room. While Pat cleaned up the mess I rushed the dog outside in my bare feet. After he finished relieving himself yet again, he seemed to forget that he was still on his leash because he then proceeded to take me for a ride around the muddy front yard, practically pulling me to my knees as a result of a lack of traction producing footgear. That is not cool. The only way to let him know this is not cool is to force him to sit, point at him fiercly and swat him on the behind. Okay, so i'm no dog trainer, and i'm sure there's a better way to handle this, but i was muddy and he had just pissed on one of our chair cusions. I'm sure it looked worse than it really was, but did the guy leaving work at the paper really have to stop his van in front of my house and lean his head out the window. Wracked with guilt, I could think of nothing else to say but, "I promise I don't beat my dog, really."

The incensed citizen just said "what?" and then drove away. Now I feel bad, and even after I discovered Ronin had eaten one of my newly knitted handwarmers, I didn't have the heart to be mad about it.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

hi, my name is joy, i've got a wife and two kids and i work in a button factory...

Introductions are for AA meetings and college professors. Instead, I'll dive head first into the pithy comments that will most likely make up the meat of this blog. If you are reading this in the near future, you probably know me. If you are reading this in the distant future, you are either an admirer reading up on the makings of a legend or a mourner recovering from my untimely death in ski doo accident while vacationing in Aruba with Gwynnie and Chris Martin. If no one is reading this at all, or if you some how accidentally ended up on this page with your brainless clicking, click, click, click, then my suspicions are confirmed and I'm just another egomaniacal slacker of privelege taking up space on Al Gore's internet. But I do promise you this: This is a Paris Hilton free site. Starting now. Wait, wait, in case you hadn't heard, she lost her dog, named Tinkerbell, but then she found him so everything is now right with the world. Okay, starting now.